Revenge

You may be tempted to set someone's house on fire or send them nasty letters threatening to expose any secret you know of your tormentors. But don't do that, it fills your mouth with a bitter aftertaste if you so much as try. If you didn't start out as a bad person, don't let some wretched words or actions of a weaker minded individual change that of you. The thing they want most is to destroy you, your happiness and your future so that you're the weaker one and so they can stand on top of you. They want to transmogrify every part of your life and watch as you cause yourself to fail so they can laugh more.

Please, I implore you with all of my will, don't let that happen.

You can't forget, and no matter how much you may want to, the scars, both physical and emotional, will still be with you through your lives, but don't let them stop you. Scars are better than tattoos for stories, because they are ultimately personal. And it's potent, that energy, if you can direct it towards the right way.

Succeeding is probably the best way to win. If they called you ugly, strut down the runway. Stupid or a retard? A university degree might fix it. Can't write? Publish a book and dedicate it appropriately. Besides success, if you want to be the winner, if they accuse you of anything, true or not, it's best to diffuse the situation.

"You're a slut." = "You think so? So what if I am?"
"You're gay." = "I'm glad. That's the best thing you could have said to me." (This makes more sense when you realize that the word gay used to mean happy or blissful.)
"You're such a fag." = "No, I don't feel like a cigarette. But maybe I'm mistaken."
"You're easy." = "Me easy? No, that would be the (insert subject here) test we just had."

Many of the words said above were said to me. I wasn't brave enough to realize I had as much ability to use my mouth as anyone else. Instead I just moused into a hole and tried to pretend like I didn't exist. My mom didn't know about my situation at the time, but when it was over, she told me not to fight with my fists but with my mind.

If I'm such a horrendous writer, why do I still choose to write? Because no matter what my enemies said to me, I won't stop doing what I liked all along. I chose to evolve so they had little ability to say such things about me any longer, but also so that I might help others stand if they so need a hand.

My dedication, if I ever publish a novel, will be "To all the teachers who never believed in me, Thank you."

New Year's Day

Happy New Year!

I'm not crazy, nor have I forgotten when exactly the new calendar year begins. Every day can be a new year, a time to make changes and to act on them. Today is a new year from 365.242199 days ago.

To me, it doesn't matter if I make stark changes to my life now or on January 1st, but if your life is abysmal at best, if people are putting you down and you're tired of it, why wait? Today is a new day, this year is a new year, and it's the time to take charge of your life the way you want it to be.

Without adding the random New Year's Days I've mentioned above, I celebrate 3 day of the year that are commonly classified as New Year's markers. January 1st, the Julian calendar marker, is the simplest one. It's the common one that people make resolution for and celebrate globally. Lunar New Year is another one, and that can range anywhere from January to March. And then the least common of them all: October 31st.

I started the October 31st celebration when I began doing NaNoWriMo, and I subsequently made it a time of year to try new things (safe, legal, etc.) that I would usually veer away from out of fear. I had a lot of fears, many of them irrational, due to my days being bullied, but now I have friends and I've set a time to face those fears. I aspire to be as fearless as possible, and to let my life be as joyous as I let it.

So I make changes whenever I feel the time is right, be it on a day that others set as a changing marker, or it on a day that I just look up to the sky and realize it's time for something to move. It works better for me, because then I don't have to wait to tell a person I don't need them talking to me poorly anymore. I don't want to wait, because life is short, and we are meant to enjoy as much of it as we can get.

Make every day a new day, one possible of changes. And happy new year, to a year where things change so that you get to smile in the sunshine too.

The Bus People

It was a strange happenstance today that the bus was late. There were plenty of people waiting, and my headphones were well placed over my ears. I'd been moving around to breathe, as I'm asthmatic and can't have any smoke coming my way.

A light tap on my shoulder caused me to slip the music to my neck and turn. There was a girl there, and she had a bag with Tim Horton's cookies. She offered me one, and although I wasn't afraid of the physical safety of the cookie, I declined because I try to lead a vegan lifestyle.

We got to talking because of my choice in diet and I learned through this course of speaking that she was a person who suffered from a lack of self esteem and depression.

I shared with her my stories, how bad everything got for me, and how I got out of it, at least in part. I told her that sometimes it's hard to change yourself, but sometimes it's what is needed in order to be happier.

Sometimes, the parts of your life that cause sadness are the biggest parts - your friends, your family, your role models. And then when you can't talk to any of them, you need a bus person. Or the bar person. Sometimes you need to talk to someone who doesn't know you in the same capacity as the ones you hide in plain view from. When I talked to her, she smiled and said that to me, that she felt she could talk to me because there was little harm I could do in her life, little gossip I could spread. And that I was a good person.

The bus people - if you feel safe to talk to them, and you've got the time and something to get out of your head, DO IT.

The hardest part is saying hello, but it may be one of the best moments of your day, and you may make someone else's day by talking to them too. There is a great terror that the strangers on the street won't accept you because your closest people don't, but they don't know you, and sometimes that's the beautiful part.

If you want to talk, or anything else, comment below.